If we are not ready to die we are not ready to live. This quote captures how so many of us live our lives. We are always waiting for the right time, for enough money, for the next best thing. We waste precious time always looking forward or back and fail to experience this moment. We feel like we will somehow love ourselves more or feel better if... But that moment never comes. We are taught not to live a loud life, not to call attention to ourselves. not to be bold or brag. We are often afraid to shine in our own corners. We forget how fast it goes , how soon tomorrow comes. We are not promised for ever, we have this moment in this life this is not a dress rehearsal. Unfortunately for so many they don't realize it until it is slipping away. I want the courage to laugh out loud , to sing off key, to dance with my children in the living room until we are out of breath and fall down laughing. I want to enjoy each moment, to hold hands with my husband and laugh at dumb jokes that just the two of us understand. I want to challenge myself, to be a little bit scared as I push myself forward. I want to believe that I am not to old to try a new career path. I want to believe that what I have to offer is valuable and that I bring a world of experience to any table. I want to embrace this life, to take chances, to explore who and what I want to be when I grow up. I want the courage to live each day as if it were my last.

Life must be lived forward but can only be understood backward. Such an interesting quote, and while it pertains to old age I see evidence of it in my own life already. We are truly the sum of all of our experiences. The choices we make and the lives we create for ourselves have everything to do with where and what we came from. Even the choices that we make to distance ourselves from our past are a part of that continuum. As we get older it becomes easier to look back and see how we got here, to see our choices as the reactions that they usually are. Living forward successfully entails a certain understanding and acceptance of where we have been and a willingness to embrace possibility without fear. As funny as it seems I am braver now that I am older than I ever was in my twenties, I was so busy doing and surviving and trying not to fail and that time was gone before I knew it. Now I am still doing but I know I will survive. I know that failure doesn't kill you, it stings for a while but you recover. I live forward and look forward to what comes next. I have a better understanding of who I am and who I want to be. I can look at where I have been and where I came from and for what its worth know that it helped to shape me. I have both let go and embraced the things that once upon a time caused so much pain. Its the understanding of one's own life backward that gives us the courage to live forward.

I thought a lot about midlife myths this week. At 42 I am right in the middle of the whole high risk for mid life crisis time. The funny thing is that I feel much quieter than I did even five years ago. I do think more about the time that I have left but with considerably less desperation than I felt in my twenties when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. At this point in my life I am able to look at what I've accomplished and what I still want to do and know that I'll get there. I'm mature enough to enjoy the ride and know that the process is as important as the goal. I've had my share of disappointments but I found out that I was stronger than I thought. I realized that we can break and we can heal and we can move forward. I know who I am. I know my strengths and my shortcomings. I know whats important to me. I wouldn't trade 40 for 20 I've learned to much. I'm still trying to find balance, I work to much, play to little. I have crazy high expectations and I am often impatient. But I am much more realistic. I will never be a rock star or a famous actress and I don't need to be. I am a mother and an amazing nurse. I am a dreamer and a teacher. I am serious and silly. I love and I am loved. There is so much power in who we are in our own corner in our own spot right now. Learning to be in this moment in my life without looking to far forward or to far back is something I wouldn't trade for all the wrinkle free skin on the planet. Mid life is its own journey. I continue to grow. I am less afraid of challenging myself, I am well acquainted with my own ability to bounce back. I am less afraid of failure. I am more okay with me than I have ever been.

I found this weeks information on divorce and its impact on kids really interesting. I think this is a touchy subject for a lot of people. When you consider that half of all marriages end in divorce you've got to recognize that somethings terribly wrong with the way we as a society approach marriage. The article "Should you stay together for the kids" seems to basically say that you should stay together no matter what. I don't know if I agree with that. I don't see how exposing children to the tension and hostility of a failing marriage can be better than seeing your parents separately but civil. I know that all marriages don't end with both partners retaining the ability to remain respectful to each other but is that worse than living with two people who don't respect each other? I do think that people give up on marriage to easily. They get bored or fall out of love. I've been married for 23 years and I can honestly say that there have been times when divorce seemed like a better option than sticking it out. I met my husband at 19, had our first child at 21, I am a completely different person at 42 than I was then and so is he. When we made our marriage vows we said the traditional for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health and we have literally been all of those. Marriages change and sometimes you just choose to love someone even when its difficult. I think we are often unrealistic in what we expect from marriage. We look for someone to complete us, to fill our gaps. But if you don't complete yourself no one can. Its easy to take each other for granted. Marriage is hard work. My husband is my absolute best friend even after all this time. We have hurt each other terribly and forgiven each other. We have loved each other and hated each other. We have 3 children together. We argue, we disagree, we laugh and we change each other. No one understands me past or present like he does. I know that sometimes divorce is unavoidable. There are circumstances when that is the best and safest solution for everyone involved. But sometimes sticking it out, hanging in there through the really rough patches can bring you to a stronger better place than you even started out at.