If we are not ready to die we are not ready to live. This quote captures how so many of us live our lives. We are always waiting for the right time, for enough money, for the next best thing. We waste precious time always looking forward or back and fail to experience this moment. We feel like we will somehow love ourselves more or feel better if... But that moment never comes. We are taught not to live a loud life, not to call attention to ourselves. not to be bold or brag. We are often afraid to shine in our own corners. We forget how fast it goes , how soon tomorrow comes. We are not promised for ever, we have this moment in this life this is not a dress rehearsal. Unfortunately for so many they don't realize it until it is slipping away. I want the courage to laugh out loud , to sing off key, to dance with my children in the living room until we are out of breath and fall down laughing. I want to enjoy each moment, to hold hands with my husband and laugh at dumb jokes that just the two of us understand. I want to challenge myself, to be a little bit scared as I push myself forward. I want to believe that I am not to old to try a new career path. I want to believe that what I have to offer is valuable and that I bring a world of experience to any table. I want to embrace this life, to take chances, to explore who and what I want to be when I grow up. I want the courage to live each day as if it were my last.

Life must be lived forward but can only be understood backward. Such an interesting quote, and while it pertains to old age I see evidence of it in my own life already. We are truly the sum of all of our experiences. The choices we make and the lives we create for ourselves have everything to do with where and what we came from. Even the choices that we make to distance ourselves from our past are a part of that continuum. As we get older it becomes easier to look back and see how we got here, to see our choices as the reactions that they usually are. Living forward successfully entails a certain understanding and acceptance of where we have been and a willingness to embrace possibility without fear. As funny as it seems I am braver now that I am older than I ever was in my twenties, I was so busy doing and surviving and trying not to fail and that time was gone before I knew it. Now I am still doing but I know I will survive. I know that failure doesn't kill you, it stings for a while but you recover. I live forward and look forward to what comes next. I have a better understanding of who I am and who I want to be. I can look at where I have been and where I came from and for what its worth know that it helped to shape me. I have both let go and embraced the things that once upon a time caused so much pain. Its the understanding of one's own life backward that gives us the courage to live forward.

I thought a lot about midlife myths this week. At 42 I am right in the middle of the whole high risk for mid life crisis time. The funny thing is that I feel much quieter than I did even five years ago. I do think more about the time that I have left but with considerably less desperation than I felt in my twenties when I was trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. At this point in my life I am able to look at what I've accomplished and what I still want to do and know that I'll get there. I'm mature enough to enjoy the ride and know that the process is as important as the goal. I've had my share of disappointments but I found out that I was stronger than I thought. I realized that we can break and we can heal and we can move forward. I know who I am. I know my strengths and my shortcomings. I know whats important to me. I wouldn't trade 40 for 20 I've learned to much. I'm still trying to find balance, I work to much, play to little. I have crazy high expectations and I am often impatient. But I am much more realistic. I will never be a rock star or a famous actress and I don't need to be. I am a mother and an amazing nurse. I am a dreamer and a teacher. I am serious and silly. I love and I am loved. There is so much power in who we are in our own corner in our own spot right now. Learning to be in this moment in my life without looking to far forward or to far back is something I wouldn't trade for all the wrinkle free skin on the planet. Mid life is its own journey. I continue to grow. I am less afraid of challenging myself, I am well acquainted with my own ability to bounce back. I am less afraid of failure. I am more okay with me than I have ever been.

I found this weeks information on divorce and its impact on kids really interesting. I think this is a touchy subject for a lot of people. When you consider that half of all marriages end in divorce you've got to recognize that somethings terribly wrong with the way we as a society approach marriage. The article "Should you stay together for the kids" seems to basically say that you should stay together no matter what. I don't know if I agree with that. I don't see how exposing children to the tension and hostility of a failing marriage can be better than seeing your parents separately but civil. I know that all marriages don't end with both partners retaining the ability to remain respectful to each other but is that worse than living with two people who don't respect each other? I do think that people give up on marriage to easily. They get bored or fall out of love. I've been married for 23 years and I can honestly say that there have been times when divorce seemed like a better option than sticking it out. I met my husband at 19, had our first child at 21, I am a completely different person at 42 than I was then and so is he. When we made our marriage vows we said the traditional for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health and we have literally been all of those. Marriages change and sometimes you just choose to love someone even when its difficult. I think we are often unrealistic in what we expect from marriage. We look for someone to complete us, to fill our gaps. But if you don't complete yourself no one can. Its easy to take each other for granted. Marriage is hard work. My husband is my absolute best friend even after all this time. We have hurt each other terribly and forgiven each other. We have loved each other and hated each other. We have 3 children together. We argue, we disagree, we laugh and we change each other. No one understands me past or present like he does. I know that sometimes divorce is unavoidable. There are circumstances when that is the best and safest solution for everyone involved. But sometimes sticking it out, hanging in there through the really rough patches can bring you to a stronger better place than you even started out at.

As the mother of 2 multiracial daughters the film "Killing us Softly" was really interesting to me. As women we buy into the media s portrayal of who we are and what we are supposed to be almost more than men do.    If we believe it what do we expect from them? As women of color so much of what is represented in magazines and television as culturally beautiful does not apply to me or to my daughters. We do not resemble the tall very thin very blonde women in fashion magazines. So much of raising my daughters has been teaching them to really see themselves, to appreciate how beautiful and unique they are. In some ways I think starting farther from society s ideal makes it easier. When my girls were younger they envied their friends straight hair and light skin but as they get older they seem more comfortable in their own skin. I found it interesting that the text referenced that many minority youth show increased self esteem in adolescence. My girls are beautiful, with midnight eyes and curly hair and light bronze skin, but what makes them truly beautiful is that they are smart and confident and powerful. These are the things that I emphasize with them. I hope that the fact that they are able to see already that beauty is not accurately defined by the media will help them to see the other lies that advertisers tell about women. We are not fragile, we are not helpless or in need of rescuing. We are not passive or indecisive. We are strong and intelligent and capable. We do not need to starve away our curves to be taken seriously. We need to take ourselves seriously. We need to believe that our worth is not determined by the size of our thighs and that our intellect is more important than our cup size. We need to stop accepting other people s definitions and begin to define ourselves. If we stop believing the lie what power does it have over us? As women we need to embrace our beauty in all it s shades, in every shape and size. If we begin to celebrate what each of us contributes instead of judging and criticizing each other, the message that we give to our daughters would be that in accepting ourselves we accept and celebrate them too.

I thought a lot about parenting styles this week. The text talked about the balance between warmth and control in establishing an effective parenting style. So many parents I know seem to struggle with the control aspect of parenting. They worry so much about their kids being mad at them, case in point the girl in the podcast screaming I hate you at her mother. I can't imagine tolerating that kind of behavior but I see it all the time. I firmly believe that it's okay for your kids to be mad at you but they do not have the right to express it any way they want. I believe that in order to respect themselves they have to learn to respect other people. It is not my children's job to make me feel good, in the end it is my job to make sure that they grow up to be responsible, decent human beings. I believe in providing choices within reason that are age and maturity appropriate. It is normal for kids to test limits but incredibly important for them to have limits to test. I don't believe that permissive parenting provides the necessary structure for children to grow any sense of responsibility. I can appreciate that parents of lower socioeconomic status face greater stress when parenting but I do not agree that it necessarily translates into less effective parenting. I think that parents of higher socioeconomic status often provide more permissive parenting giving things instead of time. Children who grow up with less material things are often more connected to family and derive much of their identity from that interaction. Discipline has become a bad word in our society but discipline is essential to achieving any goal. If we are able to teach our children restraint and determination they have a much easier path to success. Children like adults need to feel a sense of responsibility to something bigger than themselves . It is important to me that my children feel accountable to the family and to each other. I want them to ask questions, to make intelligent decisions. I want to make sure that I give them the tools to become what they are intended to be.

Today s topic is the "hurried" child. I do think that children today are hurried toward adulthood. Exposure to mass media with all the access our kids have to sex, violence and world events makes them more aware of adult issues than in the past. Our children spend so much of their free time on the internet or watching television where in the past kids spent more time playing outside. We can t just send our kids to the park or outside to ride their bikes, most of our kids activities take place with adult supervision because we fear what could happen, the world seems a scary place even to us. We put our kids in organized sports to make up for it but the competitive nature and parental involvement changes the dynamic and may actually add pressure. We want our kids to be the best at everything, sports, academics. and recreational activities. Everything is about what comes next leaving little time to experience and enjoy right now. In high school we expect our kids to know what their career path will be. We encourage them to take college courses early and are constantly pushing for the next big thing. In the past I think kids were hurried in a different way. Children were expected to contribute. If your parents were farmers or shop keepers you worked for the family at a young age. If you had younger siblings you were expected to provide child care. But children s lives were more immediate. The impact of world events didn t factor in unless it was right in front of you. Today s children are raised with a knowledge of terrorism, natural disasters, and unstable economics. In addition to the constant pressure to be the best children are exposed to a level of violence and world instability that their young minds are not fully able to process. Exposure to grown up issues along with expectations and schedules that would stress out most adults has left our children with heightened levels of anxiety. They are beginning to show grown up problems at earlier ages, depression, insomnia, even stomach ulcers. Maybe its time for us to slow down and let our children be just that children.

Now that I am a professional blogger (blog # 2) I thought I d talk about Erickson's Basic trust vs. Mistrust concept and about what happens when attachments are not made in early social interactions. My husband and I have 3 of our own children but over the last 10 years have participated in raising a number of boys who for a variety of reasons could no longer be raised by their biological family and somehow or another  ended up in ours. Having been raised myself largely by strangers I thought I was ideally suited to understand the needs of these displaced children. I have never been more challenged or heart broken or hopeful than in my interactions with my children biological and not. One child in particular comes to mind. We cared for him briefly when he was 3. Our own daughter was only 6 months younger and the differences between them were startling. He was a beautiful boy with giant eyes and a slow smile. His language skills were very delayed, He rarely talked and in comparison to our non-stop talker his lack of verbal interaction made him seem much younger. He struggled with toilet training and was prone to temper tantrums, He was wary and defensive but craved attention and was often physically aggressive to get it. He was born addicted to cocaine to a mother who was unable to provide the consistent care his fragile nervous system needed. His early years were marked by move after move often living in homeless shelters. He came to us after being left in a daycare center, turned over to CPS when his mother on a drug binge neglected to pick him up. We only had him for a short time but in that time he became calmer,his verbal skills improved, he began to ask for what he wanted instead of screaming. He began to show affection and respond when affection was shown to him. He was far from unbroken but I thought we were forming a bond. Then a petition from his now jailed mother returned him to his extended family. When he left he did n't even cry. At 3 he had accepted that the world was unpredictable and often painful. I thought about him a lot in the years that followed. We had 2 more children of our own and many that were not, 9 years later at 12 he came back into our lives. Bounced from foster home to foster home he seemed surprisingly intact. The report we had been given of a child chronically truant, physically aggressive and defiant did not fit the charming little boy we saw in front of us. He got along with the other kids (now 6 of them) and seemed determined to please.It did not last. He struggled academically, was easily frustrated and distracted with an extremely poor attention span. He was very social but did not form deep friendships, he often chose friends based on what he could get from them. He was manipulative and prone to angry outbursts. A talented athlete he was unattached to his team and argumentative with his coaches. He was with us 5 years. His is our only child that did not graduate from high school, he has struggled with substance abuse, his aggression and poor decision making have led him places I can not follow. He stays in contact sporadically. I believe that his inability to form an attachment to his drug addicted mother left him without the "hope" he needed to gain the skills to overcome his difficult beginning. His deep mistrust prevents him from forming the meaningful relationships he needs to build a new frame of reference. The chaos and neglect he suffered so early on left him hyper vigilant and unable to truly adapt. His intellectual ability was impacted by his instability leaving him with less ability to evaluate the consequences of his actions.Fundamentally he does not believe he is capable of success and the course of his life so far has been determined by the callousness of his early experience. I continue to hope that he will find  the hope that was taken from him by not being valued the way he should have been, that he will find a way to redefine himself.

As this is my first attempt at blogging bear with me. My children are amused and enjoying my toe in the water approach to this. The way I understand it we are supposed to connect some of what we learned this week to something personal in our own lives or to the larger social context that impacts us. Keep in mind that I am much funnier in person and have discovered in my short computer career that the written word does not convey sarcasm or dry humor nearly as effectively as I would like it to. I guess what I'd like to talk about is kind of an expansion on the Goodness of Fit theory and how we as a society pretend that it is not important. Let me give you an example. When I was growing up you were either good at something or you weren't. It was understood that some of us were faster or smarter or more talented than others. It was not assumed that we all had an equal playing field. We knew that race gender and personal ability would impact the opportunities we were presented with and how hard we would have to work to get what we wanted. What I have noticed in raising my children is that today children are told that everyone s the same. Differences in race, socioeconomic status and base performance ability are ignored for fear of being seen as intolerant. Children are told that if they work hard enough or try hard enough they can be anything. Not to be the grinch but that is just not true. Without the innate physical ability and talent you can work hard and practice all you want and your chances of playing in the NBA or NFL are about the same as mine. Considering that I am a 42 year old female with a bad left knee your odds are not good. Devote your energy to something that "fits" your actual abilities. We are raising a generation that cannot cope with disappointment. They are told repeatedly by parents who fear bruising their little egos that they are wonderful at everything that anyone who criticicizes them constructively or not just doesn't get it. Teachers seem compelled to reinforce this, maybe because of rabid parents who can't tolerate even legitimate criticism of their precious offspring. Unfortunately in my view if we cripple our childrens ability to engage in honest self evaluation we deprive them of the opportunity to discover what they are truly amazing at. The other part of this is that do you think they don t know? If little Johny has played an entire season of baseball has  struck out every time at bat, the closest he s come to catching a fly ball is getting hit with the ball in his right eye, no matter how much you reassure him that he s the next Ichiro I think he knows. I think its important to let kids try things the path to self fufillment is strewn with discarded middle school orchestra instruments and countless piles of athletic gear. But its important for kids to experience failure, to learn to recover, to learn how to regroup and reassess when things don t go their way. This enables them to cope with life s disappointments without falling apart. Just saying.

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